Weetzie Bat's Ramblings and Such

Take a chance, my love

He held me close. microscopic, I saw the imperfections. The fears, the insecurities…

I didn’t hesitate, though I know I should.

Like jumping into ice cold water without a second thought,

i’m in.

all in.

I can’t hope to not fall in love with you, because I was destined to the moment we met.

Now you keep me at arm’s length, sometimes pulling me close, sometimes pushing me away.

I know it’s the hesitation, the fear, the lack of faith…

holding you back, keeping you down.

Take a chance,

Take my hand,

Come fly with me.

You will see, that it will all be worth it.

Don’t Let Me Down

“It’s complicated” can not even begin to describe my current situation…

I live with a man I have a child with who broke my heart over a year ago. He is still a friend but we are completely wrong for each other…I have been content in my discontent until a few months ago…

Then entered a man who has completely turned my life upside down…

Have you ever met a person that you connected with on such an intense level? Someone that understood you on the most basic and primal ways while also understanding your complicated and intricate mind? Someone that you want to make happy at all costs? Someone that made your heart and soul sing with passion and emotion? Someone you never want to be without ever??

I have.

And we are both living with our exes.

FML.

to be cont…

Hoping for Hope.

I think my relationship is ending.

I don’t know for sure. But I do know that I’ve become unhappy. Last night, We cuddled on the couch and held each other. We talked a lot and it seemed positive. He opened up, I opened up and I felt for the first time in a while that we were going to be alright. 

The calm before the storm.

This morning, while making breakfast, he knocks over some books into the sink as I was washing a dish out. The books get wet and he gets mad at himself, but takes it all out of me, become snappy, short, and mean.

I call him out on it. It seems to improve slightly.

Fast forward to after breakfast, I’m online and see an article about a lawsuit having to do with the inhumane filthy conditions that the pigs used for the McRib live in, I read a little out loud to him, specifically the part about what parts are in the meat and he starts defending it and gets an argumentative tone. 

I was reading a statement. Not looking to start a debate. And I know for a fact he doesn’t even like the McRib or even McDonald’s food. What gives?

It really upset me, and I try to explain my feelings. It turns to him yelling at me as I am crying, saying he is entitled to his opinion.

Note: I am a LONG time vegetarian and supporter or animal rights and he KNOWS this.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have no one to talk to about this except for guy friends that like me and might see this as a crack to try to make their move (which i don’t want to deal with right now) or people that are related or mutual friends.

I am really really sad.

Last night made me very hopeful, but today makes me feel like there was no hope to begin with.

That Sir, is Pure Fantasy.

BOYS… and I have always had some interesting times. My confidence is unusually high (*note- not conceded, i am flawed but i embrace my flaws) so i tend to attract a lot of random men. mostly it’s unwanted yet flattering, sometimes it’s welcomed and sometimes it’s downright stalker-ish.

I have been spending some time with an old friend as of late- let’s call him Puck. He is amazingly fun, funny, good personality, and I’m certain that at a moment’s notice he would marry me and fly off to wherever. That’s where my problem is. I am taken. Not married, not engaged, but committed. I LIVE with the guy. I love him and have never, will never cheat… so i find my friendship with Puck troublesome. I like him, a lot, and in another lifetime, MAYBE would date him (truth be told, he’s not my type physically, he’s cute enough but just not my thing) so is it fair for me to be his friend knowing that he REALLY likes me?

I don’t want to be a cock-tease of a bitch that leads him on… but to be honest part of me enjoys the attention. Although mostly, I enjoy my conversations with him. I truly try to avoid flirtation and any ambiguous statements.

Puck helps me out by running with me on occasion. I don’t have any other running buddies at the moment. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends are fatasses, lazy, too busy or too far.

A few days ago, I went running by myself at this beautiful park. It was about 11am, good weather, hardly anyone at this quiet park that has a nice path that stretches for at least a few miles… I begin my run, about half way through, I pass a man running on the opposite direction. He looks at me, smiles and I think nothing of it… A few minutes later, he is behind me. I move to the side and slow down to let him pass. I keep running for a few more minutes then turn around to head back toward my car. Again, I feel someone behind me, I look back and it’s that guy. I slow down again to let him by, he runs off ahead pretty fast and then goes off to the grassy park area to the right. I think “ok, finally lost him”. I decide to run all the way back to my car- I look ahead to the right and the man is staring at me- watching me- in a creeper mexican man gawker type fashion. He begins to jog to the left slowly as to try to intercept our paths. I continue to run, a little faster- pepper spray in hand. He is behind me AGAIN. I make it to my car and quickly yet calmly get in. He passes my car and stares at me, but keeps going…

This whole situation creeped me out. Maybe he was just trying to hit on me but came off stalker-ish? Not sure what his intentions were but the park stretches for miles and to keep getting behind me was strange.

I realized: a pretty girl should not go running alone in semi-remote park areas.

For this reason, I want Puck to continue running with me. He motivates me, it’s fun, we have good conversation and like spending time together. And i know i won’t get bothered with him running near me.

But I still think, unless he gets a girlfriend or dates someone, it will get harder for Puck to spend time with me if he is crushing.

When do I know to pull the plug? Am I being selfish? Should I just end the friendship or should I reinforce the conditions?

What I do know-Puck- is that it is unlikely that you will sweep me off my feet, i will leave my boyfriend to marry you and we will move away and live happily ever after. That kind of shit only happens in fairy tales. The reality is, life is much more complicated than that.

Making the Most of Making the Least.

I’ve been working since I was 15 years old and for the first time since, I am  unemployed… and its one of the better things that has happened as of late. I got laid off from a real shitty stressful job- it was really a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was even happy to hear the news!

So far, being unemployed has made me nervous financially, there will have to be some cutbacks and really trying to budget on my part, BUT the good things are:

• My house has never been this cleaned and organized before
• I actually have time to work out- have lost 22lbs and look pretty darn good.
• I have time to cook and plan some healthy meals
• I get to spend more time with my daughter.
• I get to start writing again and working on projects! (woohoo!)

I am STILL looking for a job and hope to find a GOOD one this time, but I am also playing the card I was dealt to the fullest.

~Weetz

The New Guy.

So I met the new District Manager at work today… He is a short little Mexican man (who doesn’t even speak Spanish) with something to prove. He was rude-ish when introducing himself as if I were a mere employee who should be so lucky to have the pleasure of his time and not a fellow manager. He tried to intimidate the surrounding employees as the Alpha Male of a wolf pack might- the lack of smiling, the staring down, the intense intimidation vibes being put out by him- except, it was more like watching a chihuahua do it.

He proceeded to let me know he wanted to chat in private later when I had a minute. I said that was fine, smiled sweetly and went on with my business, in my head thinking that he didn’t frighten me one bit and I would go about doing my usual stuff around him. I have nothing to prove. Not to him, not to anyone. I am a good hard worker, a good person, I have good ethics and morals in and out of work. Take it, Leave it, or Shove it down your throat.

So he proceeds to ask me interview style questions. What I like and dislike about my job, my work background… blah dee blah blah… but when I would begin to answer some of these questions, he would cut me off. Rude, rude rude. “Why the eff did you even ask me a-hole?”

I let him know of my intentions to transfer. I told him the decision to let me was approved by his superior (which is true- although no date in motion yet). He didn’t seemed thrilled about it- not one bit. But I was honest, as is all I can be…

Then I worked from 10am til 8pm…

I need a new job.

Organization…

is something I lack. I really try and I’m great about it for a while, a long time even, and then like a recovering alcoholic at an open bar office party, I fall back into my chaotic disorganization.

The thing is, I am a parent now. I need to get my shit straight. I need to start waking up at 530am to go to the gym because that’s the only way I am going to have time to get my body back and then some.

I need to get my finances down to a T. They aren’t awful but could use some work.

Cleaning, laundy, chores… they are never ending but I gotta find time. I need to find a groove and strike a balance. There are many things I want to accomplish and WILL accomplish… I need to just MAKE time for them.

No more of this trying stuff. nope, I won’t try anymore. I’m just going to do it because I do what I want. It’s just getting my priorities straight.